Regret and Hope

Do you ever lay awake at night with the shoulda-woulda-coulda's? With  the sense of failure from the previous day? The regret of being snappy, short and not to loving with your family and friends? Yeah. Me too. You are not alone and neither am I, even though it feels that way.

The thing is, I don't share this to lighten the sense of regret. The regret is there because we know we blew it. We didn't extend the grace and love that we have been extended by Christ himself. So what now? Well dear sister friend, now we go forward and learn. Ask for forgiveness and move forward in confidence that Christ forgives and gives you what you need to go forward. Do not carry the shame of yesterday, we all fail, but move forward with the purpose to grow from your mistakes. Lamentations 3:22-24 says "The steadfast Love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning...". We have a fresh day everyday by going to Christ, asking Him to forgive us, to fill us and to meet us in the challenges that do lay ahead of us. Let's face it, life is hard and being a wife,mom, sister and friend. Any and all of these things can challenge us like no other. But God is good. He is always present and always available. He is our strength and our filter when we ourselves are absolutely incapable.

So when you face a new day, know that just as the Lord did for the Israelites in Egypt, it says in Dueteronomy 1:30 "The Lord your God goes before you will Himself fight for you." Be confident in that you are not alone. Others face similar, if not the same, challenges and Christ died for you so you could live in Him. It's in the hope of seeing beyond the challenges that we can draw from. The hope of Christ and heaven and of an eternal promise.

Finding My Place

Before I met my husband 10 years ago,  I worked in coffee shops, built a photography business and worked with an art club. I would of described myself as a free spirit, on the look out for excitement and social interaction. Shortly after meeting my soon to be husband, we knew that we were heading to marriage so it was a whirlwind of sorts. I then moved 1000 miles away to his town and we started our life together. Shortly after getting married we were pregnant with our first son and I had to slow down my busy life. Soon after he was born we were pregnant again with our second son. And I was still trying to figure out my role as a wife and a new mom. 8 months later the Lord moved us from Southern California to here and we didn’t know anyone. Eli my second son was born 2 months later and I soon discovered that I was a stranger to myself. All of the things I thought I was, and what I did before, were different now-I was different. It was like I woke up one day lost.

I tried to start up some of the activity that once was a huge part of my life but only found it to be discouraging. I found myself crying out who am I? I felt the Lord ask me to lay down the things I was trying to duplicate in my life from before I was married, and at first I thought sure, I mean it’s not going anywhere anyway. I knew I was laying it down but not surrendering it. But then I would see others doing what I used to enjoy so much and I would get jealous and call out to God, Why? Why does she get to do it? Why is this so hard for me?- I was focused on myself and what I didn’t have, my flesh in the spotlight.

My jealousy led way to bitterness. I wasn’t in the word and I had no direction, I was dry. I wasn't content with where I was. When I would see others doing the things I desired, things that I thought defined who I was, I would start to critique them and my bitterness would bubble out of my heart. Sure no other ears heard my words but my heart did- Jesus did. But then just a short while ago I was learning about out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, so I know that my bitterness did speak.

One day as I was sitting at my computer and looking at the images on the screen and that resentful spirit was there. I just remember God’s tenderness as He asked me right then in there “Why are you so critical?” That question stopped me short because he laid out my sin so I could really see it. I was so buried in my burden of jealousy and bitterness which I had let take root. There it was. My sin laid bare and ugly. I needed His forgiveness for my rebellion and for not trusting His leading.

He offered me Himself again and I found comfort. He loves me enough to pursue me. Then He asked me again if I would trust Him, to follow after Him. To lay down my desires and expectations. For the first time I remember being able to tell him I didn’t know who I was anymore, that I didn’t know where I was going and how scared I was. He heard me. He still wanted me to follow. He still wants me as broken as I am.

The Lord met me that day and because of His love and tenderness, I was finally able to lay down my own plan, my selfish ambition and follow after where He wanted to take me.

Looking back I see more clearly the role He wanted me to embrace and come alive in, to find contentment in, the role of wife, mom and most important His daughter who isn’t defined by what I can do but simply who I am in Him-as my sweet friend would say I am the “Beloved daughter of the king”. He wanted me to embrace His plan. And to do that I needed to get to know Him.

It has been a few years now that I am learning to trust Him, to get to know Him more and to be content and thankful with where He has me. And there have  been some hard days, but it has also been so good. Because, He has been so faithful.

So here I am in a new season and I am being asked to trust Him again and let some things go from my life. Things that have become distractions and things that I want to run to when things get difficult- escapes in a way. I feel the conviction and the spirit prompting me  to walk away, then the first thing my flesh wants to do is ask “why?”or “But it’s not bad” or even “She’s doing it?”

And I am reminded of being in this place once before. The Lord brings to mind the path that this will lead if I don’t surrender to His way because my flesh is deceitfully wicked.

I know He is asking me to focus in again to what He has called me to, and to run to Him in the difficult times, not the things I have become comfortable burring myself into. To find contentment in Him and the things He has for me today even when it’s hard. To be thankful for where I am and what I have because it’s come from Him.  And so timely, I read through James and I get to this spot where is says in verses 14&15 “But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom.....for wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. ”, and I have to choose. I know I am a child of God, and I am also his beloved bride. So, will I submit to Him, yield and trust him simply because He has asked it of me? Will I let Him lead me where I don’t know even when I am scared to go? The unknown scares me and I know He knows that about me. I have the fear of if He takes this, what will I have left? But because  I know that His way is better, as it says in Hosea 14:9 “Whoever is wise, let him understand these things; whoever is discerning, let him know them; for the ways of the Lord are right, and the upright walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them.” God has been so good, so faithful, He has made it clear of His intentions to continue to call me and conform me to His image as it says in Isaiah 43:1 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine.” and when I see that, How can I choose anything but that. His way is always the right way.

Obedience and Contentment-those two things are hard for me because I know I am battling my flesh, but when I do chose Him and His way over mine, I can follow with a content and obedient heart.

2 verses that have been an encouragement as I let go and let God lead in the way He would have me go, a way that is unknown to me but not to Him, a way that will lead me to be more like Him:

Isaiah 42:16

“I will lead the blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way, I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things, I will not forsake them.”

Isaiah 55:8&9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

I don’t know the plans He has for me today and some days I feel as if I can barely stand up under the weight, but today I do have the opportunity to walk with Him and to have Him direct my steps.  I know where He takes me will be good and the things I let go will fade away and at some point I will see His wisdom in all these things. I will see the blessing and the beautiful thing He is making in my life. 

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

-Psalms 23

Learning Humility and Obedience

One thing I have seen this last year is my pride. It’s something that the Lord is bringing me face to face with. Pride in my own capabilities and standing on my own strength. I grew up in the church, and I learned a lot about who God is at an early age. I want Him, but I haven’t had to really depend on Him until these past few years. Trials have tested what I know in my head and how much I truly know and trust the Lord. During this time I have gotten a good look at how much pride I have, and God is showing me just how much He desires a humble and contrite heart. A Humble attitude.

Over the last couple of months the Lord has put me in some situations where I witnessed some people around me compromising their word while I was working with them. Breaking some of the rules. When I witnessed some things going on I first wanted to remain silent because I didn’t want to make waves or make someone feel bad, but the longer I stayed quiet, the worse I felt about it. I felt like I was breaking the rules right along with them by remaining quiet. So, after praying I went to them as in Matthew 18:15 “go to your brother and tell him his fault between you and him only. If he hears you, you have gained a brother.” By going to them I knew I had done what I was supposed to do even when they rejected what I said and made their own excuses about why it was okay for them to do this. While I walked away,  my mind was screaming, I can’t believe they are doing this!!!

I pondered this situation when it happened with someone else 2 months later. Again I went to them and asked them about it and again there were reasons why what they were doing was okay.   I was thinking, not again. Really! Why Lord am I in this situation?  I’m following the rules, so why am I having to witness and confront someone else in this situation. Then after my rant with Him I asked, "Lord what do you want to show me?"

And He answered. He said Mandy you have done, and do the very same thing. Exposed. I am just as guilty. I have been deceived and am deceived by my own pride any time I  take my eyes off the Lord and putting them on something else-anything else. The lies about what I deserve that makes it seem right in my own head, and then the endless excuses to cover the guilt of sin. The enemy is so cunning. This is the birth of sin, when I take my eyes off Jesus and put them on anything else. Deceived! If I am not on guard and wise to the enemy, I can so easily be caught off guard by him. And then it’s followed by an endless amount of excuses and reasoning.

This has led me to the next thing, Lord where else have I been deceived? And He’s shown me that I am deceived by my own pride, it’s my heart issue. I am deceived when I assume that I can stand strong on my own without guarding my heart and mind with His word. I am deceived when I see myself as strong enough to handle any circumstances with out seeking His council and the wise council of others He has placed in my life. I am deceived when I think I can live unaffected by the world around me without His word as my compass. Pride.

So now I understand a little more why Peter is saying to humble myself before the Lord, because when I am humbled before Him, I keep my eyes on him and I don’t look away at all the distractions and lies the enemy wants me to be tempted by. Most of the time he doesn’t come at me to hurt me physically, but he comes at me with sly distractions, a beautiful something I think I need or anything really that the Lord hasn’t given me. When He does give me something I can continue to keep my eyes on Him with thankfulness and dependence.

It has been a daily struggle to battle my flesh and it is becoming more and more humbling, but God promises in Ephesians 1:7 that "He will( because of His grace) who called us will perfect, establish, strengthen and to give me a foundation." For His glory. And when I do sin, I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me and gave His own Son that I can find forgiveness.

1 Thess. 5:8 “But let us who live in the light be clearheaded, protected by the armor of faith and love, and wearing as our helmet the confidence of our salvation.”

Romans 12:2 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

Where I need to focus is to see that I have an opportunity everyday to not only live close to The Lord, but also to be a reflection of Him. To seek His council in the mundane as well as the neon decisions. To have a humble attitude seeking wisdom instead of assuming I already have it.

And then when I make decisions that are in line with Him that it gives Him glory, and I get to share in the joy of pleasing Him.

Too Many Words

Do you ever wonder if you are using too many words to be heard or understood?

Lately as my 2 year old's vocabulary is growing, he is starting you link more words to make a sentence and it's getting quite difficult to understand him. It was much easier with one word descriptions like “milk” or “cracker”, but now is a “ca hab cakr p?” and if you are not following his eye contact or pointing, it gets a little hard sometimes. I know this will soon pass and his words will get sharper but for now its using a lot of words.

I find myself triggering a thought about my own use of words. I like to talk. Some times its to someone and other times its at them and even just to myself. It helps me process. When I’m at home with the kids all day and my hubby comes up from work(conveniently from the downstairs office), I usually have something to share. I love my husband, he’s a communicator but still I find myself looking into lost eyes sometimes and I realize I’m using too many words. Often he asks if I'm wanting him to respond or if I just need to talk. Yep! Too many words. At times it's hard for me to not speak or pursue a solution this way and to simply think it through without speaking.

More times than not I also find myself going to my quiet time with the Lord the same way. Loaded with questions, thoughts, and concerns, but I am not willing to sit and listen and be quiet. Even more, I know that God knows me well enough to handle my words, but do I really need to speak so many? I want to get better at choosing my words wisely and simply being willing to sit and listen for Him to respond. He knows my heart and my mind better than I do and sometimes I need him to bring clarity, better than talking it out ever can. Which means learning more self control with my tongue so that my heart can hear.

I know this with my man too. I must think before I speak if I want him to really hear me, if I want to communicate with him and not at him. What impact can I have on the people around me if I became a better listener than talker? If I chose to think before I speak and ask the Lord for His help with processing and become a better listener.

Finding Grace for Each Other

So, I have a neighbor who is new to the area and we started a friendship. She would come over with her two little guys a few mornings, and we would chat over coffee. During the morning I would realize I was going around picking up our family mess. During one of her visits she shared “please don’t pick up because I’m here, then I will feel like I have to clean up before you come over to my house.” This comment stopped me because she was right. I was feeling insecure about the appearance of my house and the disorder of it. I wanted it to be more “together” and in “order”. The truth is, is I have 3 boys from 8 to 2 ½ and my house is seldom “put together” no matter how hard I work at it because we live here. I realized I needed her grace and she was giving it freely with out judgment.

How often the Lord asks me to share something about my spiritual life from where He’s brought me and it’s hard sometimes to share because I want to be “in order” or “sufficient”, but the reality is I’m not. I am a work in progress and I am often being cleaned out and sorted out over and over again. But He asks me to be transparent and be willing to receive His grace and the grace from others as I let them view my “work in progress” because it’s in the sharing that those I share with will see the Lord at work and the work He is doing. Then it becomes a lot less about me and a lot more about Him.