Before I met my husband 10 years ago, I worked in coffee shops, built a photography business and worked with an art club. I would of described myself as a free spirit, on the look out for excitement and social interaction. Shortly after meeting my soon to be husband, we knew that we were heading to marriage so it was a whirlwind of sorts. I then moved 1000 miles away to his town and we started our life together. Shortly after getting married we were pregnant with our first son and I had to slow down my busy life. Soon after he was born we were pregnant again with our second son. And I was still trying to figure out my role as a wife and a new mom. 8 months later the Lord moved us from Southern California to here and we didn’t know anyone. Eli my second son was born 2 months later and I soon discovered that I was a stranger to myself. All of the things I thought I was, and what I did before, were different now-I was different. It was like I woke up one day lost.
I tried to start up some of the activity that once was a huge part of my life but only found it to be discouraging. I found myself crying out who am I? I felt the Lord ask me to lay down the things I was trying to duplicate in my life from before I was married, and at first I thought sure, I mean it’s not going anywhere anyway. I knew I was laying it down but not surrendering it. But then I would see others doing what I used to enjoy so much and I would get jealous and call out to God, Why? Why does she get to do it? Why is this so hard for me?- I was focused on myself and what I didn’t have, my flesh in the spotlight.
My jealousy led way to bitterness. I wasn’t in the word and I had no direction, I was dry. I wasn't content with where I was. When I would see others doing the things I desired, things that I thought defined who I was, I would start to critique them and my bitterness would bubble out of my heart. Sure no other ears heard my words but my heart did- Jesus did. But then just a short while ago I was learning about out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, so I know that my bitterness did speak.
One day as I was sitting at my computer and looking at the images on the screen and that resentful spirit was there. I just remember God’s tenderness as He asked me right then in there “Why are you so critical?” That question stopped me short because he laid out my sin so I could really see it. I was so buried in my burden of jealousy and bitterness which I had let take root. There it was. My sin laid bare and ugly. I needed His forgiveness for my rebellion and for not trusting His leading.
He offered me Himself again and I found comfort. He loves me enough to pursue me. Then He asked me again if I would trust Him, to follow after Him. To lay down my desires and expectations. For the first time I remember being able to tell him I didn’t know who I was anymore, that I didn’t know where I was going and how scared I was. He heard me. He still wanted me to follow. He still wants me as broken as I am.
The Lord met me that day and because of His love and tenderness, I was finally able to lay down my own plan, my selfish ambition and follow after where He wanted to take me.
Looking back I see more clearly the role He wanted me to embrace and come alive in, to find contentment in, the role of wife, mom and most important His daughter who isn’t defined by what I can do but simply who I am in Him-as my sweet friend would say I am the “Beloved daughter of the king”. He wanted me to embrace His plan. And to do that I needed to get to know Him.
It has been a few years now that I am learning to trust Him, to get to know Him more and to be content and thankful with where He has me. And there have been some hard days, but it has also been so good. Because, He has been so faithful.
So here I am in a new season and I am being asked to trust Him again and let some things go from my life. Things that have become distractions and things that I want to run to when things get difficult- escapes in a way. I feel the conviction and the spirit prompting me to walk away, then the first thing my flesh wants to do is ask “why?”or “But it’s not bad” or even “She’s doing it?”
And I am reminded of being in this place once before. The Lord brings to mind the path that this will lead if I don’t surrender to His way because my flesh is deceitfully wicked.
I know He is asking me to focus in again to what He has called me to, and to run to Him in the difficult times, not the things I have become comfortable burring myself into. To find contentment in Him and the things He has for me today even when it’s hard. To be thankful for where I am and what I have because it’s come from Him. And so timely, I read through James and I get to this spot where is says in verses 14&15 “But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom.....for wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. ”, and I have to choose. I know I am a child of God, and I am also his beloved bride. So, will I submit to Him, yield and trust him simply because He has asked it of me? Will I let Him lead me where I don’t know even when I am scared to go? The unknown scares me and I know He knows that about me. I have the fear of if He takes this, what will I have left? But because I know that His way is better, as it says in Hosea 14:9 “Whoever is wise, let him understand these things; whoever is discerning, let him know them; for the ways of the Lord are right, and the upright walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them.” God has been so good, so faithful, He has made it clear of His intentions to continue to call me and conform me to His image as it says in Isaiah 43:1 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine.” and when I see that, How can I choose anything but that. His way is always the right way.
Obedience and Contentment-those two things are hard for me because I know I am battling my flesh, but when I do chose Him and His way over mine, I can follow with a content and obedient heart.
2 verses that have been an encouragement as I let go and let God lead in the way He would have me go, a way that is unknown to me but not to Him, a way that will lead me to be more like Him:
Isaiah 42:16
“I will lead the blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way, I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things, I will not forsake them.”
Isaiah 55:8&9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
I don’t know the plans He has for me today and some days I feel as if I can barely stand up under the weight, but today I do have the opportunity to walk with Him and to have Him direct my steps. I know where He takes me will be good and the things I let go will fade away and at some point I will see His wisdom in all these things. I will see the blessing and the beautiful thing He is making in my life.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
-Psalms 23
